April 20, 2010

One last try...

After 4 weeks of trying to breastfeed, Tanner losing weight, starting formula, gaining weight, relentless pumping, herbal supplements, drinking water galore, consulting my pediatrician, consulting my public health nurse, consulting a lactation consultant, and MANY tears (manly by mom and a few by Tanner) I have decided that today is my last good old college try at breast feeding my little guy. He still is just lazy when nursing but will gulp down a bottle in no time. I think that he thinks I am just an over-sized pacifier-he enjoys hanging out there but doesn't fill up.
I had to deal with feelings of guilt and inadequacy knowing that breastfeeding is best for baby however seemingly impossible for Tanner and me. Plus I REALLY wanted to exclusively breastfeed for at least the first 6 months. Lesson in motherhood 101..It doesn't really matter what YOU want, baby will definitely let you know what HE wants. I have been pumping and feeding him bottles of whatever I can pump (which isn't nearly enough to satisfy the little guy's hunger). So he is mainly on formula anyways and seemingly not having any problems with that. No extra gas, no weird diaper situations or all that other stuff you have to worry about. Plus he seems WAY more satisfied and overall happier. Just look at him...
This is the look of a content baby in my mind. So sadly, today will be my last day of pumping and attempting to nurse. They say some breast-milk is better than none so 4 weeks will have to do and I will just have to be OK with it. I just don't make enough milk for him...and pumping to get a few ounces here and there over the course of 24 hours is just too draining on me and a reminder that I can't give little Tanner what he needs. SO I am officially letting it go. All of it- The guilt, the sadness, the stress, the tears, and the views of what being a mother to a newborm "should" be. I am embracing what being a mother to Tanner IS- the reality of it-which is still wonderful and fulfilling beyond words and more than I could ever imagine.

Plus my pediatrician gave me very comforting words last week when we brought Tanner in for a checkup where he had FINALLY gained weight. After giving me an assignment to write down every time Tanner ate, for how long or how many ounces of formula, along with how much I pumped and when- he looked at the sheet of scribbles I had jotted down over a week and said- "Wow, it looks like you are spending all of your time feeding and/or pumping." To that I replied"yep" and broke down in tears over the frustration. He said that he supports me either way I decide to feed Tanner and said that if I did end up making the switch to formula it was NOT for lack of trying on my part.

Oh the joys of motherhood...bye bye pump and thoughts of what this new life of mine "should" be!

Since figuring out and conceding to the fact that breastfeeding just wasn't going to work, I decided on starting another adventure in motherhood and decided to tackle the cloth diaper!! I have been thinking about it and researching the methods and options for MONTHS now. It is done..diapers and supplies have been ordered from an awesome site www.greenmountaindiapers.com. Tanner will be an earth-friendly, money-saving, pooping machine. We figure over the diapering years of one child we can save about $1500-$2000. PLUS, what a great way to cut down on our footprint- I can't believe how fast our trash has been filling up with the the disposables we have been using so far. (all gifts BTW- so thank you to everyone who got us diapers!!)
As a stay at home, earth-loving, hippie-minded mama I think this might just be the perfect fit for our family. PLUS- The cloth diapers these days are soooo cute- nothing like the plastic pants from the days of yesteryear. I can't wait to get the supplies next week and start!!


  1. Heidi, maybe this is a Baby Tanner letting you know he will be fine when you go to country fest, and he and Daddy Paul will have no problems while you are away. Sorry he's not the boob man his daddy thought he would be.

  2. I agree with Kim! :)
    Don't worry Heidi- and don't feel guilty for not breastfeeding- you are doing what is best for Tanner (which proves you are a great mama!)
    And good luck on the cloth diapers- I can't imagine using those but I am excited to hear what u think of them. see you next Thursday! :)

  3. A lot of parenthood involves these words, "I did my best." If you can look back on things and say this MOST of the time then you are an awesome parent! You are ahead of the game by realizing already that it's not going to be how you want it to be all the time but yet can make the most of how it IS. Love you!