One last try...

After 4 weeks of trying to breastfeed, Tanner losing weight, starting formula, gaining weight, relentless pumping, herbal supplements, drinking water galore, consulting my pediatrician, consulting my public health nurse, consulting a lactation consultant, and MANY tears (manly by mom and a few by Tanner) I have decided that today is my last good old college try at breast feeding my little guy. He still is just lazy when nursing but will gulp down a bottle in no time. I think that he thinks I am just an over-sized pacifier-he enjoys hanging out there but doesn't fill up.

I had to deal with feelings of guilt and inadequacy knowing that breastfeeding is best for baby however seemingly impossible for Tanner and me. Plus I REALLY wanted to exclusively breastfeed for at least the first 6 months. Lesson in motherhood 101..It doesn't really matter what YOU want, baby will definitely let you know what HE wants. I have been pumping and feeding him bottles of whatever I can pump (which isn't nearly enough to satisfy the little guy's hunger). So he is mainly on formula anyways and seemingly not having any problems with that. No extra gas, no weird diaper situations or all that other stuff you have to worry about. Plus he seems WAY more satisfied and overall happier. Just look at him...

This is the look of a content baby in my mind. So sadly, today will be my last day of pumping and attempting to nurse. They say some breast-milk is better than none so 4 weeks will have to do and I will just have to be OK with it. I just don't make enough milk for him...and pumping to get a few ounces here and there over the course of 24 hours is just too draining on me and a reminder that I can't give little Tanner what he needs. SO I am officially letting it go. All of it- The guilt, the sadness, the stress, the tears, and the views of what being a mother to a newborm "should" be. I am embracing what being a mother to Tanner IS- the reality of it-which is still wonderful and fulfilling beyond words and more than I could ever imagine.

Plus my pediatrician gave me very comforting words last week when we brought Tanner in for a checkup where he had FINALLY gained weight. After giving me an assignment to write down every time Tanner ate, for how long or how many ounces of formula, along with how much I pumped and when- he looked at the sheet of scribbles I had jotted down over a week and said- "Wow, it looks like you are spending all of your time feeding and/or pumping." To that I replied"yep" and broke down in tears over the frustration. He said that he supports me either way I decide to feed Tanner and said that if I did end up making the switch to formula it was NOT for lack of trying on my part.

Oh the joys of motherhood...bye bye pump and thoughts of what this new life of mine "should" be!

Since figuring out and conceding to the fact that breastfeeding just wasn't going to work, I decided on starting another adventure in motherhood and decided to tackle the cloth diaper!! I have been thinking about it and researching the methods and options for MONTHS now. It is done..diapers and supplies have been ordered from an awesome site www.greenmountaindiapers.com. Tanner will be an earth-friendly, money-saving, pooping machine. We figure over the diapering years of one child we can save about $1500-$2000. PLUS, what a great way to cut down on our footprint- I can't believe how fast our trash has been filling up with the the disposables we have been using so far. (all gifts BTW- so thank you to everyone who got us diapers!!)

As a stay at home, earth-loving, hippie-minded mama I think this might just be the perfect fit for our family. PLUS- The cloth diapers these days are soooo cute- nothing like the plastic pants from the days of yesteryear. I can't wait to get the supplies next week and start!!

4 weeks

Tanner is 4 weeks old tomorrow!!!

He smiled at me

Today Tanner smiled at me. It wasn't the smile of a newborn that has just passed gas or unconsciously smiling at something unknown to us adults, but a smile of a growing baby boy. It was a smile meant just for me as I sang to him and played with his hands. Just when I thought I was going to start crying, he smiled again and I just about lost it. It was another smile meant especially for his silly mommy. I took a mental picture and tucked it the vault of my mommy mind. This little guy has me hooked. Just when I think I can't love him more, somehow I do. That love and two short smiles from my little guy are enough to keep me full for a LONG time! I know that being his mom today is EXACTLY where I am supposed to be.

Sporting his Sweater-Vest

Today was Grandpa Fredrick's funeral which meant that the Nyquist's had to get cleaned up. Daddy wore a tie (which is a RARE occasion), Mommy got to wear her new dress and Tanner sported his sweater-vest and khakis that Nana bought him.

Since figuring out his whole eating ordeal and getting him to put on some weight, he has been even MORE mellow. Just a eating, pooping, sleeping machine. He is getting way more alert during his awake times, starting to enjoy his tummy time and staring at the book of baby faces I have. I am feeling like I am getting the hang of things too. It's true what they say-The first 2 weeks are sort of tough but I feel like everyday is getting better and better. We're closing in on the end of the first month which is just CRAZY to me. It seems like I just had him :( I have a feeling I will be wanting another sooner rather than later!!

Leave my pants alone!!!!

Tanner hates having his diaper changed and this is the regular face we get when swapping a poopy diaper for nice dry clean one! I had to get a picture while Paul was changing him. He's cute even when he's mad!!

In other news...his umbilical cord FINALLY fell off yesterday!!

88 years...

Today @ as Tanner turns 3 weeks old I think how time has flown and how much more he has to see and learn. I can just imagine all the stuff that Paul's Grandpa, Fredrick Arthur Nyquist had seen in his 88 years. Sadly he passed away at his house on the farm this morning @ 6am. He had been sick for a while and seemed ready to go. He said his goodbyes to Paul on Thursday when Paul left the farm for the weekend and made sure to send his love to me and Tanner. He was very loved and will be missed. Paul will have to make sure to tell Tanner about his Great-Grandpa Fred and teach him all about the farm that Grandpa loved so much. It is a very sad day but at the same time there is a sense of relief that Grandpa is no longer in pain. He lived a very full life and had expressed his readiness to pass. The visitation is on Wednesday from 5 to 8 @ Dirks Blem Funeral Home in Olivia, MN. Funeral will be held @ 11 am on Thursday in Danube MN before Grandpa takes his final resting place next to his wife @ the Fort Snelling cemetery.

We love you Grandpa!!!

Consumed

I realize that ALL of my posts have to do with Tanner and learning how to be a mom, but for right now that is all I really have to write about. I am absolutely consumed by taking care of Tanner and trying to keep my sanity at the same time. I am feeling physically just fine (i felt just fine the week I had him) but emotionally I feel a little crazy. It's not really in a bad way, just a different way. My body and mind are trying to grasp the idea of being a parent and what it means. I love this little man so much yet have no fricken clue what I am doing. I think the learning curve for being a parent is huge. Each day I figure out a new trick or something I can do for myself to give me just a little bit of me time.

This next section may be a little bit TMI about my breasts than anyone might want to know so beware!!

Yesterday was a rough day. Tanner had to go to the doctor because his weight gain was not where it was supposed to be at his 2 week appt. I tried so hard to feed him more frequently, drink GALLONS of water, and pump to build up my milk supply and was pretty disappointed when he had only gained an ounce in 4 days. It seems like one breast is getting more milk that the other and overall it's just not enough. The doctor said that he was getting enough to be satisfied, but NOT to grow as much as they would like to see. I was so bummed since I was so determined to exclusively breastfeed. My psyche is just a little postpartum fragile, so I think I took it a little harder than "normal" Heidi would have. We now have a feeding schedule which consists of feeding on both sides for 15 minutes for one feeding. Then the next feeding I feed only on one side then pump the other and give him a bottle to supplement his diet to make sure he is getting enough. I haven't been able to pump enough breast-milk for the supplemental feedings yet but I do get an ounce or two each time so I mix that with an ounce or two of formula. This cycle continues through out the day AND I have to write down when he eats, for how long, and how much. Just typing that made me realize part of the reason I may be feeling overwhelmed.... It sounds complicated but I am getting into the swing of things. And the bright side is that Paul does all the bottle feedings when he is home so is able to bond and have that time with Tanner too.

I am feeling MUCH better this morning after a MUCH needed shower. (the water went out in our whole town on Thurs due to a broken water line so the Nyquist clan was getting a little stinky. I happy to report the problem seems to be fixed and all 3 of us were able to bath/shower)

We'll get this figured out yet...It just may take us a while. Much like his birth, Tanner isn't the type of guy to make anything simple. I am just thankful he is so mellow.

Here are some pictures of the little guy...Enough to brighten ANYONE'S day!!

PS- I got pooped on last night...I caught it-literally a handful of baby poop but it made for easy clean up!

Here he is actually ENJOYING his swing!!

The beginning of either a baby mullet or rat-tail...Either way Paul is pumped!!

Baby steps...

This morning it was a little chilly out but the sun is shining so I decided to get Tanner bundled up and go for a walk. Let's just say he is NOT a fan of his car seat. I fed him, got him a little lethargic, then attempted to put him in his seat with out him noticing. It was fine for about 4 minutes while I lugged the stroller out of the van, and secured his seat on. Then BAM...MAAAHHHH, MAAAAH, MAAAAAAH. I knew he did not like his seat from our trip to Willmar the other day with my mom which ended up with me carrying him as we got some supplies at Super Walmart, but I thought I would give it another try. I wanted to at least walk over and get the mail, but that did not happen. We went a couple blocks, thinking that he might be gently lulled to sleep by the bumpy road. NOPE, he just got more mad...the little stinker. Thankfully, my mom is still here so she walked him back to the house while my cousin Brandyn, who is visiting, and I walked to the post office to get the mail. (After all, it is gossip magazine delivery day!) Of course we get back to the house and who is sitting on Nana's lap happy as a clam, but my little man Tanner...OF COURSE!!!

2 weeks old

Tanner had his 2 week check up yesterday. He seemed to check out just fine besides his weight. He was only up to 7lbs 11.8 oz which means he only gained 3 oz in the last week. He seems to be satisfied and had plenty of dirty and wet diapers so I not too concerned. I have been pumping to try and up my milk reserves and feeding Tanner every 2 hours to get things moving. We go back to the doctor on Friday and I hope the little guy has at least gained a couple more ounces.

Baby's first Easter

Happy Easter everyone!!

Obsessed....

It's official...I am obsessed. And who wouldn't be?? Just look at him!!

PEACE!!!

Tired but surviving

My post will be short and sweet today since I am going to use my valuable "mommy time" to shower tonight. Things with Tanner are going well still. He is sleeping for 2-4 hour stretches and allowing me to get a little rest when he does. Today Daddy took charge between feedings and I caught some much needed sleep from 4-6pm. This nice weather has really been a mood booster too. Daddy, Tanner and I went for our first walk yesterday afternoon. We walked to the post office to get the mail and then a quick loop around town. Of course we had some pit stops of people stopping us to meet our little guy. Tanner was awake during the whole time we were outside just checking out the "bustling" town of Danube...

That's it for now...I'm tired but surviving. It's easy for me to forget how tired I am, how sore nipples are from breast feeding and that I have not showered since Monday when I take one look at this guy!!

Check up and first shopping trip

Today Tanner is 1 week old!! Tanner had to go back to the doctor to make sure that his jaundice score had not gone up. It was 7.5 when we left the hospital, 10.5 @ Friday's appointment and the doctor just wanted to make sure it did not hit the teens because that is when they start treatment. I am happy to say that it did go down and it looks like our little guy will be just fine :)

He is steadily gaining weight too. He went from 7lbs 6 oz on Friday to a beefy 7 lbs 9 oz today. Must be all that delicious breast milk. The little man loves to eat!! Paul is all proud because his little guy is a "boob man" already. I didn't have the heart to burst his bubble and tell him that all baby's are boob people.

We also took our first trip to Wal-mart today. I was going to wait in the car while Paul ran in but decided that after nursing Tanner in the parking lot after the doctor's appointment to try and risk bringing him in. He did just fine and I escaped with a few minor whimpers and a short crying session that was put out by me moving the cart back and forth while I picked out my groceries. In my rush to get out of there unscathed I did forget to pick up the birth announcements that were finished printing....Darn it!! Maybe I can bribe Paul into picking them up for me tomorrow! I am starting to see in motherhood you win some and lose some... It would have been too perfect if I had remembered EVERYTHING I actually needed/wanted.

Here's a picture I just took of Tanner in a breast milk coma. He's such a mellow fellow!!

Eat, Poop, Sleep...

Tanner is officially 4 days, 21 hours, and 51 minutes old as I sit down here with him in his sleepy wrap while I blog away. He LOVES being in the wrap, which doesn't surprise me sine he is quite the cuddle bug so far. I am so glad I got this wrap because I can't imagine the thought of putting this precious boy down but really want to be able to use both hands for certain activities (such as typing). He is snoozing away as I type and bounce gently on my exercise ball. What a life!!
So far he is such a good little baby! He has taken to breast feeding and is really very good at it. He is eating every 2-4 hours and having very healthy diapers. I had such a mom moment today when I changed his diaper and it was yellow!! YAY for yellow poop it means that everything is working!!

We have had a couple busy days here in the Nyquist house. We traveled up to Willmar on Friday morning for Tanner's first doctor's appointment. He was 7lbs 2oz when we left the hospital and had already bounced back up to 7lbs 6 oz by Friday. His jaundice score had gone up a little since leaving the hospital and we have another appoint on Monday just to make sure it starts going down, but by the looks of him..I don't think it will be a problem. He is looking more pink today than yesterday.

After the doctor appointment on Friday we had visitors. Sarah (Paul's sister) and her two boys came to visit their new cousin!! Gabe is 3 and Xavier is 3 1/2 months and QUITE the little chunk. He makes Tanner look so tiny!! Sarah also brought me TONS of baby boy clothes. Since Xavier is already in 6-9 month clothes she brought all of the stuff he had out grown which is perfect because I really didn't have too many baby boy clothes! Now I am pretty sure Tanner is set. It is so nice to have the hand me downs and save some money since babies grow so fast anyways.

Here's some pictures of the boys.

While Sarah and the boys were down here visiting, we went over to see Paul's grandpa Fredrick, who has been feeling pretty ill lately and in declining health. Since being diagnosed with lung cancer this fall, he has had his ups and downs but is now at home, receiving hospice care and being made as comfortable as possible. We were VERY excited to tell him there was another Nyquist boy and to have Tanner meet his great grandpa Fredrick. Although saddened by Grandpa's illness, it is really very emotional and humanizing to see the circle of life with the addition of such a little miracle who will grow up playing on tractors, and running through the same fields as Grandpa did as a boy. I know Grandpa is very happy with this too. He couldn't wait to hug and sit with Tanner, Xavier, and Gabe when we all visited on Friday.

Here's some pictures from the visit to Grandpa's.

Paul, Tanner, and Grandpa

4 Generations of Nyquist boys- Grandpa Fredrick, Tanner, Paul, and Art

After the visit to Grandpa, Paul, Tanner and I headed home for a little rest before some more guest arrived! Jeff and Malinda made the trek out to Danube to visit our newest addition! It was really nice to have them and I know they were really excited to see our little guy. Of course Paul and Jeff stayed up late doing boy stuff like playing video games and eating frozen pizza, topped off with setting up Jeff portable disc golf basket in the back yard and tossing some discs this morning. Paul even dug out his mini disc and OF COURSE had to get a picture with him Jeff and Tanner.... What a couple of discing dorks :)

That's it for now in the life and times of the "Quist club!! Tanner is starting to stir...I think it's time to eat again, then poop again, then sleep again...and the cycle continues!! I am LOVING IT!!

We survived the first night home

Last night was out first night home since having Tanner and we survived!! I actually got some sleep between feedings (yes it was in the recliner with Tanner on my chest) but it was sleep none the less, He really likes to cuddle and nurse A LOT and I have absolutely no problem with that. I did however just put him down for a few minutes here to blog and get myself some food.

My mom is here today still and helping out with some cooking and cleaning stuff around the house. It is a life saver just to have the extra help and moral support!! Nana is the GREATEST and Tanner loves her like crazy already.

Here are some pictures of our adventures over the last couple days. I am filling up my camera already and he is not even 3 days old yet...Can we say obsessed?!?!!

Here's Daddy giving Tanner his first diaper change. (Paul also won the honor of being the first one to get peed on by Tanner this morning...It was pretty funny and I was glad it wasn't me-this time anyways)

Here's just a picture of Tanner chillin in the hospital.

Tanner's ride home

Tanner taking a nap while Mommy eats and blogs :) He LOVES his hands by his face so pictures of his entire might be tricky.